Tom, 5 juni 2008
Nederland , Hellendoorn

Home is where your heart is

About twelve hours ago, my one year of ‘American Dream’ has ended. My arrival at Amsterdam airport marked the ending of my American period. In Montverde, I blogged in Dutch; in Holland, I’ll blog in English. This blog is supposed to conclude my trip, to be the final note of a long symphony, to close the book I started on my birthday in August. Well, it should be at least. I do not think my experience in Florida can ever be concluded. The memories cannot be taken away from my head, the pictures not from my eyes and the people not from my heart.

Montverde Academy is probably one of the most non-Dutch places in the entire United States. Our national strive for freedom, with always a platform to express disagreement is in great contrast with the strict rules at MVA. Where I could plan my life completely in Holland, in Montverde I always had to deal with restrictions and permissions. I learnt to respect rules, realized that resistance not always works best and gained even more appreciation for Holland. At times I could not stand MVA environment, but all in all happiness reigned. After a while, I even started to call Montverde my home. My room in the dorms was my home and my friends were my family.

It is amazing how fast these things go, how fast you can call a place your home, how easily I got attached to it and, moreover, attached to its people. Now I am in Holland again, everybody asks me: “Tom, how is home? Is it good to be home again? ” Before I can even reply to this question they answer for me. “I bet it is, isn’t it? It should be at least. I bet you are excited now you see your parents again.”

Well, I am, of course. I like my home; I love my family and friends here. It is just that home is not one place anymore. I hate clichés, but occasionally they come in use. ‘Home is where your heart is’ is one of those sayings. If I had not changed so much this year I would say now: “You stupid, you’re in Holland now, so you’re home!” But I have changed, a lot actually. Parts of my heart remained in the States, although I parted. Not only left I parts of Tom in memories, pictures, words, music, I also left a part of my heart there.

Leaving those things behind was extremely hard. Holland, with its size, does not require a lot of goodbyes and especially not a lot of definite ones. The past few days did. Every last hug I gave came with the realization that it could have been the last time seeing that person. Although many people promise to visit the Netherlands and they surely have the intention to, as well as I have the intention to visit my friends all over the world, these hopes are not easy to make concrete. My friends will meet new people, I will meet new people. Homes will accumulate or interchange. We will forget, or just do not have time to remember and, eventually let go. The past 24 hours I let go some tears about that. About life and about how some things just seem unfair. About those I love and might never see again.

Crying was not the solution though. It did not clear my mind; in fact it gave me nothing but red eyes. I thought of words I said to Camilo the other day. “Camilo, what is life if you are not happy? Does it have any value?” I do not think it does. So, instead of emphasizing the goodbyes, of emphasizing those I’ve lost or will lose, I will try as hard as I can to keep those I love and I will emphasize the greatness of this year. This was not just an ordinary year, no; this was the best year of my life.

A new decade will start now. I will hopefully find a new home in Rotterdam and meet, again, people I can classify as “my people”. After a while, I will find a new home and I will have to let go again. That is just the way life is. The hardest part of loving is to let go. The hardest part of letting go is love.

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To all those who have read my blogs throughout the year: Thank You. I hope you enjoyed reading my stories as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Dshfkjdshgkjfdhgkjfdhg.

This is it.

Thank you.

Great pictures on:
http://www.tabblo.com/studio/stories/view/1482236/
http://picasaweb.google.com/jruscello/Graduation2008
http://tommiejf.hyves.nl

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